


Miles To Go

by PrinceOfHell00



Series: Life With Papa!Sebastian and Little!Ciel [10]
Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: Age Regression/De-Aging, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst and Feels, Caring Sebastian, Comforting Sebastian, Crying, Crying Ciel Phantomhive, Diapers, Dreams and Nightmares, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Guilt, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Insecurity, Little!Ciel, Lullabies, Non-Sexual Age Play, Pacifiers, Papa!Sebastian, Poor Ciel Phantomhive, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Stuffed Toys, The Author Regrets Nothing, Thumb-sucking, Vomiting, alternate universe - littles are known, toddler!Ciel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-12
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-19 08:01:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,619
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29996331
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrinceOfHell00/pseuds/PrinceOfHell00
Summary: After months of carrying around guilt brought upon by his parents' death, and having an intense, anxiety inducing fear of losing Sebastian to Death's clutches, as well–accompanied by almost constant nightmares–Ciel finally reaches his breaking point after experiencing an especially horrible, gut-wrenching nightmare.
Relationships: Sebastian Michaelis & Ciel Phantomhive
Series: Life With Papa!Sebastian and Little!Ciel [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1382725
Comments: 4
Kudos: 19





	Miles To Go

**Author's Note:**

> Well, it sure has been quite some time since I've updated, hasn't it? Ya'll know how life is tho. Hopefully it was worth the wait, at least! :3
> 
> Shout out to ttfan111robstar1 for coming up with the title! <3
> 
> Ciel's headspace: 2yrs

_Ciel walked aimlessly through a beautifully lush, brightly lit, green forest. He had no idea where he was headed, and no clue_ _how_ _he even_ _got_ _here, but he oddly wasn't afraid about being alone in such an unfamiliar territory. The forest was all_ _but_ _silent, save for the sound of the light summer's breeze that blew through the leaves and branches, giving off_ _a calm, peaceful atmosphere. The sunshine that filtered through the trees warmed his skin in just the right way, making him want to stop and curl up under one of the giant oak trees for a small kip, as he grew drowsy from the tranquility of his surroundings._ _Ciel just kept on walking, though. It almost felt like something was pulling him deeper into the forest._

_"Ciel...!"_

_Ciel's head snapped to his left at the sound of his name being called from somewhere within the trees. Even though the voice was far off in the distance, he still almost immediately recognized who it belonged to._

_"Mum...?"_

_His voice was no more than a whisper when he spoke._

_He couldn't believe it. Could it really be her?_

_"Ciel...!"_

_Another distant voice called out to him from the same direction, eliciting a gasp from him when he also recognized its source._

_"Dad?"_

_This had to be some kind of twisted joke. This couldn't be possible. But yet..._

_"Ciel...!"_

_Both their voices called out to him this time, and all of his hesitance and doubt instantly evaporated. Before he even realized it, his legs were moving and he was running to where he heard their voices resound from._

_Branches scraped his arms and face, some even managing to catch in his clothing and create tiny rips in the fabric, as the boy whizzed through the forest at Olympic running speed. He could care less about any of that, though, all that mattered was getting to wherever his parents were._

_Finally, after running for God knows how long through the seemingly never ending woods, Ciel reached a serene, luminous clearing. Tears immediately filled the boy's eyes when he came to a stop._

_In the middle of the grassy clearing stood his parents–alive._ _Actually_ alive.

_"Come here, sweet boy. Come to mummy and daddy," Rachel beckoned in a sweet croon._

_The tears spilled over, steadily cascading down his cheeks._

_"Mummy! Daddy!"_

_Ciel exclaimed as he rushed to his parents, throwing his arms around the both of them when he reached them. He buried his face against his mum's chest and sobbed, desperately grasping the side of his dad's white dress shirt in one hand, while his other did the same to his mum's pink blouse. They immediately wrapped him in their warm embrace; Rachel's arm wrapping around the middle of his back and pulling him tight against her, while Vincent had his hand in Ciel's hair and was combing through it. Ciel's sobs were harsh, making his body shake and jump with each one that bellowed out of him._

_"Shhh-shhh, it's okay now. It's okay, little star,_ _mummy and daddy are here," his mummy softly cooed._

_"What's with the tears, my boy?_ _Aren't you happy to see us?" Daddy asked, concern heavy in his tone._

_Ciel managed slow his sobs a bit, just enough to speak_ _._

_"O-of c-c-course I d-d-id, d-d-d-da-addy! I m-m-missed y-ou an' m-m-mummy s-so m-much it h-h-h-urt!"_

_"Oh, my boy," Vincent breathed softly, trailing his hand down from Ciel's head to his cheek, until he reached his chin. He gently hooked his thumb and index finger underneath and across Ciel's chin, and eased the boy's head up to look at the man. Ciel wished he hadn't._

_"If only that were true."_

_The tone of his father's voice had taken a drastic change. Instead of sounding warm and sympathetic like he had just mere seconds ago, the man's voice now sounded tight and devoid of emotion. Vincent looked down upon Ciel with a dark expression on his face that_ _held such powerful malice and_ _hate, that it made Ciel's_ _cries_ _abruptly come to a halt, and caused his stomach to drop, quickly followed by a shiver_ _down_ _his spine._

_"Wh-why w-would you s-s-say that, d-daddy?"_

_"Daddy's only telling the truth_ , _Ciel,_ _darling_ _. And you know it."_

_Mummy spoke up, voice just as emotionless as daddy's. Her facial expression matched her tone, blank and devoid of any and all emotion, even her_ _usually lively, vibrant, crystal blue eyes were now dull and lifeless._

_Why were mummy and daddy acting this way?_

_Suddenly, his parents let go of him and vanished, and the luminous forest around him_ _began to deteriorate and shift into a very familiar setting: The church room his parents' funeral had been held in. Except this version of it was rundown, dark and desolate, and held an unnerving atmosphere to it._

_Ciel stood in the middle of the rotting church pews, peering around the room with wide, fearful eyes. Despite the rotting wood, the burnt walls and flooring, the piano near the entrance covered in a thick layer of dust, and the single closed casket at the front of the pews, Ciel recognized it as the same church room he stood in just a mere six months ago–saying his final goodbyes to the bodies' of his beloved parents. He hated this place._

_"Mummy? Daddy?"_

_Ciel called out for them, hoping at least one of them would respond back to him or show up again. Alas, he was only met with the eerie, deafening silence that incased the entirety of the room._

_Ciel didn't know why, but he suddenly felt compelled to walk up to the golden brown casket. So he did. In the back of his mind, though, something kept telling him that he would inevitably regret it in the end. Yet still, the boy's body moved against his will and brought him directly in front of the casket. Before he could fully comprehend what he was doing, Ciel gripped the edge of the coffin's lid, lifting it all the way up. Ciel felt his heart stop and drop into his stomach at the sight before him._

_Lying inside, dressed in a black suit and clutching a red rose to his chest, was Sebastian. The Caregiver's face was set into a peaceful expression, body still and stiff as a board._

_This... this was wrong._

_"Se-Sebastian?"_

_Ciel's voice quivered and cracked, eyes filling with tears when the raven-haired man gave no sign of having heard him._

_This wasn't right. This wasn't right at all. He couldn't be... Sebastian couldn't really be..._

_"Sebastian, please..._ _p-please w-w-wake up."_

_Still no response._

_Ciel reached out and grasped the edge of the casket with both hands, desperation consuming him as he drove his upper body forward and shouted, "Papa, wake up!"_

_Nothing._ _No movements, no words, no nothing._

_Only silence. Deafening, nauseating,_ silence _._

_He was dead. Sebastian was really dead._

_His papa was dead._

_"N-no... no, no." He slowly began to back away from the casket on shaky legs, tears falling down his pale face, and throat tightening with painful sobs. "No!"_

_"Yes. Yes he is. And it's all your fault."_

_Ciel's head whipped around behind him, eyes searching the room for the source of the voice. His father's voice._

_"D-daddy?" Ciel quietly called out._

_When Ciel couldn't spot the man anywhere in the darkened room, he turned back around, only to see the coffin with Sebastian inside it to be gone, and for his mother and father to be standing in its place. Ciel gasped out loud and jumped, almost falling backwards at the sudden reappearance of his parents, heart beating erratically in his chest. He couldn't help but feel a sharp spark of fear shoot through him at their expressions; their faces both appeared blank, but their usually kind eyes now only held a dark, unfathomable hatred–Ciel swore he was staring into the flames of Hell itself as he peered into his mother and father's eyes._

_Before he had a chance to catch his breath and speak, his father spoke again._

_"Well, what do you have to say for yourself, Ciel? Once again, your selfish and weak-minded self got another parent of yours killed."_

_Ciel's breath hitched. "N-no, I... I didn't d-do anything."_

"Liar," _his mother hissed, the fire in her eyes intensifying. "_ _If it hadn't been for you, your father and I would still be alive._ _You got us killed. It's. Your._ Fault! _"_

_"B-but I–"_

_"How could you do this to your own parents? We thought you loved us_ _."_

_"After all the love, attention, and support we showered_ _you_ _in all your life–you end up betraying all of it for your_ _own_ _selfish, greedy, pathetic desires."_

_A fresh wave of tears poured down Ciel's face, and a broken sob escaped him._

_"If only you hadn't made Sebastian call us that night." Ciel cringed at Vincent's words, feeling a tidal wave of cold guilt wash over him. "You just couldn't go a few simple hours without us, could you? If you had, then we wouldn't have been out when that drunk driver was, and we would still be alive. But no, you were too much_ _of a weak, pathetic, little baby."_

_"What a disappointment you turned out to be. An utter failure of a son."_

_"How could I have fathered such a disgrace of a child. I'm ashamed to call myself your father."_

_"And I'm ashamed to call myself your mother."_

_Ciel felt every piece of his heart shatter and drop into the pit of his stomach at their razor sharp words, feeling the world around him spin drastically. His breathing was speeding up and becoming labored, and he felt as if even the slightest breeze could knock him over. Bile rose in his throat, feeling physically ill with heartache, shame, and guilt from everything his parents were saying._

_He swallowed. "I... I-I'm s-s-sorry..." he quietly choked out in a tight, quivering voice._

_"Apologizing won't bring us back, Ciel," Rachel responded with a sneer._

_"There's nothing you can do or say that will ever make up for the pain and suffering you caused us," Vincent added._

_"I–" a mangled sob erupted from him–"I d-di'n m-m-mean t'h-hurt y-you, m-m-mummy, d-daddy. I-I never e-ever me-ant t-t-to. P-please f-f-forgi'be m-m-m-e."_

**_"We never will!"_ **

_They simultaneously shouted at him, venom saturating and oozing from their words._

_Ciel's legs finally gave out from underneath him, and his knees hit the floor with a loud, cracking 'thump'. But he felt no pain. His body was numb, and it felt like all the air in his lungs got squeezed out, making his chest tighten and burn._

"You're pathetic."

"You're weak."

_Ciel slapped his hands over his ears and tightly shut his eyes, not wanting to hear his parents voices or see their hateful expressions. No matter how hard he pressed against his ears, though, he still couldn't block out the hurtful words being hurled at him like stone bricks._

"Selfish."

"Greedy."

_"S-stop. Please... just stop."_

"Disgrace."

"Shameful."

_Ciel whimpered, gritting his teeth against the scream that wanted to burst from the very depths of his being._

"Murderer."

_The trembling in his body increased. "M-m's-s-s-sorry. Please, s-st-stop..."_

"Murderer."

_He shook his head back and forth. "Stop it. Please... just..."_

**_"Murderer!"_ **

_"Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!_ **_Stop it!_ ** _"_

* * *

_"Stop it!"_

Ciel's eyes shot open with a shout and he bolted into an upright position, limbs shaking as if he were caught out in a raging blizzard. He took in large gulfs of air, lungs burning with every inhale and exhale, accompanied by a low wheezing noise that admitted from him with every breath he took. His shirt clung to his body like a second skin, and his slate hair was plastered to his forehead, completely drenched in cold sweat from head to toe. His stomach was dangerously twisting and turning with a mix of guilt, shame and anxiety, causing a sickly feeling to quickly begin making its way up from the bottom of his belly, and into the back of his throat.

Just as Ciel had turned to Sebastian's side of the bed to get his guardian's attention–before he ended up vomiting all over the bedspread–the bedroom door flew open and Sebastian bursted inside, his sleep shirt wrinkled and hair a mess of black, eyes widened with a combination of concern and fear. He must have only been up for a bathroom break then.

"Ciel, what happened?!"

"I–"

Ciel snapped his mouth shut and clamped a hand over it. A gag escaped him from behind his fingers, bringing up a rush of sour liquid that coated the back of his throat and tongue.

In a flash of blinding light–caused by the bedroom lights being turned on–Sebastian was flying across the room over to his desk and grabbing the plastic, light grey waste bin sitting beside it. Within seconds, the man was sitting on the edge of the bed and holding the bin out in front of Ciel.

Ciel removed his hand and lurched forward, gagging again and throwing up a small amount of sticky, yellow bile into the bin. The boy's throat burned and his belly ached from the force of his vomiting–that he wasn't doing much of. His stomach had been empty for hours, so all he was expelling was sour, acidic bile. As Ciel continued to gag and vomit what little he could, Sebastian rubbed his back up and down with one hand, while he held the waste bin with the other, whispering calm reassurances to the young boy as he did so.

The boy dry heaved a few times, before the urge to vomit finally subsided. His stomach still felt unsettled (and now very sore), but that was due to the concoction of emotions relentlessly circling through him.

While Ciel caught his breath, he watched as Sebastian stood up and set the soiled bin down a bit aways from the bed, then went back over to his desk and plucked a couple tissues from the Kleenex box that sat atop, before returning to Ciel's side and retaking his seat at the edge of the bed. Sebastian gingerly wiped the spittle from Ciel's chin and lips. Once Sebastian was satisfied with his clean up, he bundled up the used tissues and tossed them into the waste bin.

"Let's see..." Sebastian muttered to himself as he pressed both the palm and back of his hand against Ciel's forehead. "Your skin is damp, but you don't feel warm. Was it a nightmare that woke you and made you sick, kiddo?"

Ciel gave a tiny nod in lieu of a response, a lone tear falling down his cheek.

"Would you like to talk about it?" Sebastian gently asked, wiping the droplet of moisture away with a thumb.

Ciel's nightmares usually prompted him to not speak at all (or at least not in grave detail) about them to Sebastian, given how they usually only caused him more distress (whether he was little or big) when he tried to. However, this time felt different. He's had intense, horrifying, gut-wrenching dreams many times over the past few months, but this one struck a deep nerve. In all of his nightmares, he's never once been called a murderer by anyone or anything that appeared in them, especially not by the dream versions of his parents. Until tonight.

It felt like something in him... broke.

"It's my fault," Ciel croaked quietly, eyes downcast and quickly refilling with tears.

"What's your fault, sweetheart?" He heard Sebastian ask in a soft, confused voice.

Ciel took a deep, shuddery breath. "It's my fault my parents are dead," he whispered in a shaky voice, gaze still firmly glued to his blanket covered lap.

Barely even a second later, there were two warm, large hands cupping his face and lifting it up, redirecting his gaze to the concerned and pained expression of his Caregiver.

"Ciel, why would you say that? It was a car accident that took their lives, not you. You had nothing to do with any of it, kiddo."

"Bu-but I d-did. I-if I hadn't been s-such a w-w-weak, s-st-stupid baby, then they wou-wouldn't h-have r-rushed home so e-early, an-and they would s-s-still b-be a-alive...!" A harsh sob ripped from his throat. " I-i-it's a-all m-mmm-my f-f-fa-ult!"

"Ciel, it wasn't–"

"Yes it was!" Ciel snapped, pulling out of Sebastian's hold and turning his face away from the man, cries briefly coming to a halt as self-loathing took over. "I'm just a weak, pathetic Little who couldn't handle being away from his parents for more than an hour, without turning into a stupid, blubbering baby. So yes, I am the one to blame."

Ciel's lower lip trembled as his throat began to tighten with renewed sobs, tears already beginning to make twin trails down his face, once again.

"And I'll p-probably end doing the same to you, because I'm a–"

_Murderer._

He choked on the word, unable to admit the dream version of his parents' accusation out loud. A part of him believed it to be true, yet the other part of him refuted it. Hence, his inability to say the word out loud.

"I don't–I _can't_ lose you, Sebastian. I don't know what I would do without you." Ciel swallowed the lump in his throat, and looked back up at the man. "You mean so much to me... I don't wanna be the reason you die, too!"

Ciel's face crumbled and he threw himself against the Caregiver's chest, pressing his face into the man's t-shirt and grasping two fistfuls of the soft fabric, hot tears soaking into the dark blue material as they streamed down his cheeks. Instead of pulling Ciel close like he usually would, though, Sebastian took hold of Ciel's shoulders and pushed him back, just far enough for them to look each other in the eye–Sebastian's own dark brown irises were hard and shimmering with a combination of that pain Ciel saw earlier in them, and a determination that bled into the rest of his expression.

"Now, you listen here, Ciel Thomas Phantomhive," Sebastian said in a firm, no nonsense tone of voice. "What happened to your parents was tragic and soul crushing, and yes, it was something that could have been prevented–had the man in the other car been responsible, and not out driving while drunk. But in no way, shape or form, were you responsible for their death. Do you want to know what your mum told me when I called her that night?"

The boy gave a high-pitched hum and a shaky nod.

"She said that soon after arriving to the event, her and your dad had grown increasingly bored and irritated with the people there, and were more than happy to have a reason to leave early that night–especially if it meant they would get to come home and tuck you in for the night. They wanted to come home to you, sweetheart, _so_ _badly_. If it hadn't been for that drunk driver, they would have."

"Y-you don't th-th-think th-they h-h-ate m-me? O-or ar-are a-a-ashamed'a m-me?"

Sebastian's expression softened. "No. Not at all, whatsoever. They loved you so, _so_ much, Ciel. They could never hate or be ashamed of you. _Never_. They loved you from the moment you were born, and I'm more than certain that the love they held for you in life, is still there wherever they are now."

Ciel sniffled loudly and choked back a sob. "I... I believe you." And he did. As much as that mean, little voice in the back of his head still wanted to spew doubts at him, Sebastian's words were too sincere and heartfelt for him to continue with that train of thought. Plus, on some level of his mind, Ciel knew that his parents' love for him was the definition of 'unconditional love', and that nothing could have ever been enough to make them stop loving him, or to suddenly make them feel ashamed of him. But even still, he couldn't stop feeling guilty about their death.

"I still f-feel like it's m-my fault," Ciel whispered, peering down at Sebastian's chest, unable to meet his guardian's eyes.

Sebastian lifted his chin up with his thumb and forefinger, gazing at the boy with a gentle, apologetic look in his eye. "I'm so sorry I didn't realize sooner that you were struggling with this guilt. I should have noticed, there's no excuse for that. But I promise you, kiddo, even though I know it'll take some time before you realize that this wasn't your fault, I will be there every step of the way to keep reminding you. I'll also be looking into getting someone a little more... professional, for you to start talking to, as well. That's going to be necessary this time around."

"Th-therapy?"

Sebastian exhaled a soft sigh and nodded. "Yes. There's no negotiation this time around, love. I'm sorry."

Ciel's frown deepened, but he gave a nod of understanding. "A-alright."

The Caregiver gave him a small reassuring smile. "It will help, love; your guilt, fear, _and_ your resurfaced insecurities about your classification–because there is absolutely _nothing_ wrong with being a Little, darling."

"M'sorry... it's s-sometimes ha-ard t'believe that."

"No need to apologize, sweetheart. I understand it's not easy for you. Talking with a therapist will help you get through those bad thoughts, though. I'm positive."

Sebastian leaned forward and pressed a kiss to the boy's forehead. He then brought both his hands up to Ciel's face, and begun wiping away his tears. Ciel had pretty much stopped crying by now, with only hiccups and stuttering breaths leftover as a reminder, but now the teen could feel his headspace creeping along the edges of his consciousness, the emotional events of the night finally taking its toll on the more vulnerable side of him. Ciel leaned into his Caregiver's touch, eyes starting to take on a glazed appearance, and mind gradually beginning to grow fuzzier and fuzzier.

"Are you starting to feel little, my darling?"

Ciel whimpered and nodded his head.

The Caregiver pulled the Little against his chest in response. Ciel happily snuggled into the black-haired man's embrace, letting out a small sigh of content.

There was only so much of his Big headspace still present in his conscious–leaving him in an in-between sort of state–and with his papa finally holding him, it wouldn't be much longer before that headspace was completely pushed back into the farthest part of his subconscious.

"Go ahead and let go then, my love. Just listen very closely to what papa has to say next, though, okay? Can you do that for papa, my dear?"

Ciel nodded again in understanding, slipping a thumb in his mouth as he prepared to listen intently to what his papa had to say.

"I understand you're scared that something bad will happen to me too, but I swear to you, my little love–I will not be going anywhere for very, very, _very_ long time. You're gonna have me apart of your life for many, many more years to come. You may not completely believe that just yet either, but I'll keep reminding you until the day you do, no matter how long it takes. I love you with every fiber of my being, Ciel. You're my heart and soul–my whole world. I promise I'll always be by your side; in this life, and the next."

His papa's words felt like a cleansing rain on a spring day, rinsing away the remaining feelings of fear, and stripping away the last piece of his Big headspace along with it, as well. Now that he was fully little, his mental and physical exhaustion almost instantly intensified. The Little yawned around his thumb, eyes beginning to droop.

"Let's get you into a nappy and out of these yucky clothes, baby."

Sebastian picked Ciel up and laid him down in the center of the rumbled bed, giving the Little's tummy an affectionate rub, before going over to his nightstand and taking out a dummy. Sebastian replaced the boy's thumb with the soother, then went over to his dresser and pulled out a light blue shirt with a pink heart in the center, and a pair of white angel wings on either side of the cartoon organ. After setting the shirt down on the bed, his papa knelt on the floor, for a moment, and pulled out the black and pastel elephant pattered nappy bag from underneath.

After everything was set out on the bed, the Caregiver started getting the Little undressed from his white drawstring shorts, yellow and white t-shirt, and Pikachu boxer briefs. Once Ciel was laid bare, papa slipped the nappy underneath him, powdered his thighs and bottom, then taped the nappy up nice and snug. Papa then picked him up again, and sat him at the head of the bed.

"Papa's going to take all of this to the bathroom real quick, little love," papa said, holding Ciel's sweaty clothes in one hand, and the used wastebasket in the other. "Would you like anything from the nursery on my way back?"

"Ge'd B'yue?"

Papa smiled. "You got it, love."

While Sebastian was out of the room, Ciel pulled out his beloved blankie from its spot underneath his pillow, and cuddled it close to his face as he curled up against the pillows and headboard. He breathed in the scent of the fabric, catching a combination of his own scent, his papa's, and the now faint scent of his mummy's perfume. He just very recently started having papa spray his blankie with his mummy's old favorite perfume, giving the blanket an extra soothing touch (the Little would have to ask his papa to add more of the lavender and vanilla scented spray tomorrow). Usually, the feel and smell of his blankie would only bring him comfort and a sense of safety, but right now, it was also making him feel extremely sad. A few silent tears ran down his face, falling onto and being soaked up by the soft garment.

Not long after he left, the Caregiver made his return to the room–grey bodied and blue eyed bunny in his grasp. Ciel allowed one of his hands to drop its hold on the baby blanket, stretching the appendage out and flexing his fingers towards his stuffed friend.

"Here you are, little love." Papa smiled warmly and handed over the stuffed bunny.

"F'ank 'ou," Ciel murmured, bringing Blue to his chest.

Ciel watched as Sebastian switched on the white, oval-shaped cat nightlight that sat atop the nightstand on Ciel's side of the bed, making a warm, yellow light emanate from it (Ciel only allowed the little light to be on when he was in headspace). The Caregiver then shut off the bedroom lights, and climbed into bed beside Ciel, wrapping an arm around the Little's shoulders and pulling him against his side. Ciel laid his head over the left side of Sebastian's chest, and listened to the steady beat of his heart, still silently crying into his blankie.

"I mi'zz mummy an' 'addy."

Papa slightly tightened his hold on him, and began rubbing his other hand up and down the little boy's back. "I know you do, sweetheart. But wherever they may be now, I'm absolutely certain they'll always be watching over you."

" 'Ike ang'els?"

"That's right. Just like guardian angels, baby–and they're all yours."

His mummy and daddy being guardian angels– _his_ guardian angels. Ciel liked the sound of that.

The Caregiver and Little fell into a brief, calm silence. Ciel was the first to break that silence, and with a surprising request, no less.

"Papa?"

"Yes, precious?"

" 'Ing 'Mummy's 'Ong'?"

"Are you... are you sure, sweetheart?"

Ciel nodded, and looked up at his Caregiver with a pleading expression. "P'ease?"

A soft, yet sad smile spread across his papa's face. "Of course, my little love."

Sebastian pulled Ciel fully into his lap, cradling him close and firm against his chest, and making sure to keep the right side of the little boy's head planted over his heart. As he began to sing, papa also started to rock him.

_Star bright, star shine,_  
_Look up to the moon's light, let it guide you through the night, as I hold you close tonight,_

_Rest now, my dear,_  
_There's nothing here to fear,_

_Star bright, star shine,_  
_Nothing can harm you, my dearest little one,_  
_Let my arms be your shield,_  
_Let my voice be your guide,_  
_As I lead you through the starry night,_

Ciel closed his teary eyes, immersing himself in his papa's voice. The lower, much softer tone he always used whenever he sung the lyrics of this particular lullaby, made Ciel feel warmed from the inside out, and gave him a deep sense of safety–he could already feel the lulling effects of the song beginning to pull him under the thick, black blanket of sleep–the same way he used to feel whenever Rachel had been the one to sing their special song. It was almost possible for Ciel to pretend that it was his mummy who was singing and rocking him instead.

_Star bright, star shine,_

_Rest now, my dear,_  
_There's nothing here to fear,_

Ciel could feel himself losing the battle against sleep with every second that passed, and with every word that was lovingly spun from his papa's voice, body growing heavier as the familiar lyrics continued to take him deeper and deeper into that comforting darkness.

_Star bright, star shine,_  
_Look up to the moon's light, let it guide you through the night, as I hold you close tonight,_

_Little one, close your eyes and dream of starry skies,_  
_For I am with you, through the night_

As the last few lyrics of the lullaby passed his papa's lips, Ciel's breathing evened out and his body went limp, sleep finally claiming its victory over the mentally and emotionally drained boy.

* * *

When Sebastian felt the small body in his arms become dead weight, the Caregiver breathed out a sigh, and landed a kiss to the top of the little boy's head. He was relieved that the magic of Rachel's lullaby was once again able to get Ciel to sleep. Sebastian had to admit, he had been surprised when Ciel actually _asked_ _him_ for the song. Up until this point, Sebastian had only sung Ciel the lullaby twice, and each of those times had been when the Little was totally inconsolable and under the age of one. He supposed it was a sign that Ciel was in fact making some progress in his healing, no matter how minuscule it might seem from an outsider's point of view. He just wished it hadn't come from the same place of distress, like the previous times. But progress was progress, and that's what counted at the end of the day.

It tore Sebastian up inside that Ciel had been carrying around such a heavy bag of unwarranted guilt this entire time, without even his own Caregiver and guardian having taken any notice.

Okay, well, maybe that wasn't entirely true...

Sebastian had in fact noticed a few unusual things regarding Ciel's behavior over the last few months, but he supposed that he just didn't want to believe or admit that Ciel was showing signs of guilt towards his parents' death. If he had just talked to Ciel and asked him what was going on, then maybe Sebastian could have already had him seeing a therapist, and prevented tonight from ever happening. Or maybe he should have just stood firm in the beginning when the subject of therapy had first been brought up.

Sebastian had done everything he could to convince Ciel to at least give therapy a try, but the boy had been adamant about not wanting to go, that he would be fine without it, and could manage his grief with just the support of Sebastian and the rest of his family. Ciel's social worker and school counselor had both said not to pressure Ciel into it, and to just keep an eye on him; unless he saw that the teen's mental health was at a standstill for too long, was deteriorating at a rabid pace without any reprieve, or if he developed any unhealthy coping mechanisms, then that's when Sebastian needed to step in. Sebastian really thought things were starting to take a turn for the better regarding his kid's mental health. That's what he'd wanted to believe, at least.

The Caregiver wanted to look in front of a mirror and scream at himself for being such a blind optimist. How could he have allowed himself to fall under the veil of denial so easily? He felt like a failure as a Caregiver. It was his job to make sure his Little was well taken care of in not only a physical sense, but an emotional and mental one, too. He obviously hadn't done such a great job with those last two.

Alright, maybe he was being a little too harsh with himself. It was kind of hard not to be, though. His little boy had been suffering from these thoughts for months now, and Sebastian had just stood oblivious to the side, not doing a damn thing to help him.

Sebastian supposed he had his own guilt and self-loathing to deal with now. Thanks, denial.

But like he promised Ciel, he would be there now to help the boy overcome his struggles, and get him right back on track to healing. No matter how long the road ahead was, Sebastian would be right beside Ciel through it all.

**Author's Note:**

> Oof, that was intense, wasn't it? My poor baby, I always put him through so much :( At least I'm finally gonna get him some therapy tho! That boy certainly needs it. X3
> 
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> 
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